New Office Space

Have to start here with some gratitude. As many of you know, The Work is really a mission of sorts for me- trying to put myself out of a job so to speak. So many have been so kind and encouraging about my work. Clients, colleagues, friends. It's really important to me to have a clearsighted and organized way of being a partner with people in eliminating suffering, having principles... preferably both.

Left doing inpatient full time in April, in favor of doing private practice full time. The folk above (and more) have responded by sending a lot of folk my way to do service with/for. As a result, my longtime office space with Brendan Thyne MA, and his dad Rick Thyne MFT (Patrick Thyne and Associates) became too small (time wise) to accommodate my clients.

Noting this because getting a new space wasn't just a task- it is a loss in a lot of ways. Brendan and Rick are relatives (of choice and affiliation)- and fantastic therapists. The space across the street from Pasadena City Hall has been beautiful, and I really enjoy the surroundings. Between losing the familial contact and the space, is a big deal.

That said though, have found a fantastic space to do The Work in. Am hoping that it will bring an energy and space that can be filled with whatever it is that people need. Want to send some appreciation specifically for Yvonne, my dad, Judy McGehee LMFT, Erika Gayoso/Michael Cardenas/Ted Aaselund and Elvia Cortes. Also appreciation to Jeff Boxer Esq, David Wolf, Ed Wilson PhD, Sue Stauffer, Barbara Waldman PhD, Barbara O'Connor MFT, Tricia Hill, of course Lali and Sadie. A special note for my clients though- you all continue to humble me deeply, and have been fantastic supporters of my work.

Here's a pic of the new space- near the end of the 110, the 134/210. New address is 547 S. Marengo Ave, Pasadena, 91101:

Clinical Supervision/Partners in Recovery

Quick note from Partners in Recovery about the work we've been doing. They can now be found on Facebook:

"Petar Sardelich, LMFT, MACII, LPT, has joined Judy McGehee, LMFT in supervising La Verne University Trainees, and Interns, in the Glendora Schools Internship Program. Since September 2009, interns, therapists and trainees have been offering 40 hours per week of probono mental health counseling and education in the community. This includes Whitcomb High School, Glendora High, Sandburg and Goodard Jr. High. Community and Parent nights have educated participants about drug and alcohol abuse, building communication between parents and teens, and in March, 2011, information regarding bullying and helping individuals in combatting this behavior. PIR is a non-profit organization where volunteer therapists and board members provide mental health services and referrals in the community."

Partners in Recovery website:
Judy McGeehee/Partners in Recovery

Preaching Prudence but Practicing Evasion

Just by virtue of having eyes and ears, we have emotional responses to everything. When we have experiences that create loss, damage, violate our sense of self or ethics (prompt an experience of feeling "less than" or being broken, also known as "shame"), frighten us or etc, we have to do something with how that feels. Just like falling off a bike and skinning our knee, we hurt in part because that's the healing process in action. Many therapists and others refer to these unresolved hurts as "issues".

If we don't have a means of healing/dealing with these, there are lots of unintended consequences. Not healing "hurts" (shame, fear, sadness, etc) causes "neurotic" behavior. "Acting out", drug use, manipulation, self-ful-ness, isolation, "codependent" behavior, "anxiety", avoidant behaviors, etc. Long term and in the wake of continued losses/traumas, these can turn into more serious problems- depression, relationship issues, "mental illnesses", addictions and etc.

Sometimes these other problems and behaviors are simply ways of surviving or "coping" with our feelings about things, sometimes they become problems in and of themselves. Exercise, church (etc), self-help books, "will", diet and nutrition, hobbies etc are all efforts that can be helpful in varying degrees, but for reasons too long for a blog post, they're insufficient and/or incomplete for this task. Some of these things sometimes turn into means of avoiding our feelings as well.

If we don't have a fairly organized (and effective) means of transforming or eradicating our experience in this way, as above, we create or perpetuate problems in our lives. Different therapists have different "tools" suggested to help resolve or diminish the intensity of these issues. My sense of this process though, goes something like this:

List the behaviors we use that put distance between us and how we feel. Some of these are external- but some are internal. Some examples are food, alcohol, work, spending, sex, focus on others, perfectionism (whether imposed on ourselves or others), TV, turning our feelings into anger, etc.

Diminish (or preferably, maybe necessarily) or stop those behaviors. There's many, many ways of making this happen- see my blog "Wanting to Stop" for some suggestions. As has been said in other blogs, "letting go" means little for something we are not fully letting ourselves "have" in the first place.

Give the feelings we're experiencing/left with as simple, and common a name as possible. I encourage mad, sad, glad (happy), afraid, ashamed, and/or hurt. And/or because we can certainly feel more than one at a time. Simple, because we often use euphemistic or complicated language as just another means to dissociate (separate) us from our feelings.

Share those feelings, as much as possible with the person we're having the feelings about, as close to the time we experience them. It's also really important that we're actually allowing ourselves to have the feelings as we're expressing them. Of course this isn't always appropriate because of time or circumstance. Sometimes, it's not appropriate because of the person we're with. Be careful though not to "preach prudence when practicing evasion".

As has been said by many, "you can't heal what you can't feel". This process is assisted by doing it with a professional who has has both education and experience in doing so not just as a therapist, but hopefully as a person as well. We are trained in various means that facilitate some really important parts of this process that are sometimes not intuitive to our friends, families, loved ones. Am getting at a fairly simple list of ideas here- stop doing what we do to not feel, have an organized way of naming and letting go of or diminishing their intensity.

Sheldon Kopp

You may remember being a kid, and having someone suggest you write an essay about the person who influenced you most.  With the exception of a musician or two, the person that is likely that for me is Sheldon Kopp.  I was given his most famous book "If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! The Pilgrimage of Psychotherapy Patients" by my then "mentor", when I was 17.  It's really a book about principles, an organized way to live our lives and deal with Things As They Are.

He's written something in the way of 18 books, died a while ago not of the brain tumor he had (that required removal 3 times), but of heart failure and pneumonia.  Having heard a rumor about his death, I looked him up on the internet once, and sent an email to a similarly named person, hoping I might find him or learn of his passing.  Essentially my note stated that this was a person who had been extremely influential and helpful in my life, and I wanted to know if it might be him.  I was lucky enough to get a response, that made it clear it was actually him: "Yes Petar, I too have heard rumors of my untimely demise, but I find them unconvincing."

In "Buddha", as became customary in many of his books, at the end was included ideas that he considered truths, or principles.  This was the most famous of them, called, "An Eschatological Laundry List: a Partial List of 927 (or was it 928?) Eternal Truths."  Many of the ideas here have guided me in everything from my own emotional and "spiritual" work, work with my clients.  People that have suffered all of the things here that I'm trying to diminish for as many people as possible- depression, stress, relationship issues, abuse, loss and grief, addiction, self esteem issues and the like.  Hopefully, they will give you as much as they've given me, inspire you to read his books, and of the greatest importance: give you a ways and means of passing the ideas on to others.  Would love to hear what you think of them.  And to the "Truths"...

1. This is it!
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can't get there from here, and besides there's no place else to go.
4. We are all already dying, and we will be dead for a long time.
5. Nothing lasts.
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune.
11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.
13. You don't really control anything.
14. You can't make anyone love you.
15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
17. There are no great men.
18. If you have a hero, look again: you have diminished yourself in some way.
19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself).
20. All evil is potential vitality in need of transformation.
21. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it.
22. Progress is an illusion.
23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems.
24. Yet it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solution.
25. Childhood is a nightmare.
26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of -yourself -cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.
27. Each of us is ultimately alone.
28. The most important things, each man must do for himself.
29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that's all there is.
31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.
32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge.
33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.
34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.
35. No excuses will be accepted.
36. You can run, but you can't hide.
37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats.
38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
39. The only victory lies in surrender to oneself.
40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.
41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only to face the consequences.
42. What do you know . . . for sure . . . anyway?
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again. . . .

What to Do?

From P.16 of the PDF "Statutes and Regulations" from the California Board of Behavioral Sciences (the regulatory agency that oversees MFTs, Social Workers, and etc):

"§4980. NECESSITY OF LICENSE (a) Many California families and many individual Californians are experiencing difficulty and distress, and are in need of wise, competent, caring, compassionate, and effective counseling in order to enable them to improve and maintain healthy family relationships."

Clients as above, come to us for wise counsel.  Among other things of course.  This idea has far-reaching implications, not just for our clients, but for us.  Wisdom is hard to come by!  Oversimplifying, "wisdom" in this case is often a euphemism for answers.

Claiming (or believing) one has wisdom or answers is of course a Bad Idea, yet it seems we have a responsibility to work toward them.  There's some great ideas and techniques supporting the principle of not giving "answers" (suggestions, direction, etc) outright to clients (or loved ones, certainly) from the therapist's chair.  My basic mode of operation is to try to lead someone to those answers, typically only giving direct suggestions when my efforts to lead a client to their own answers have been exhausted.

We do treat several diagnoses and/or issues that have "community standards", fundamental practices or "conventions" most therapists agree on how to treat.  Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and other more severe illnesses for instance almost always direct the client to: not "self-medicate", takes the best supportive medication regime as directed, and is getting :talk therapy" and/or peer/familial support with their illness.  There are few that argue with the utility of these interventions.  There are other examples for addiction, depression, anxiety, and more.

Two things are of interest to me though.  The first is that during the therapeutic process, I often see clients get a suggestion, and dismiss the suggestion out of hand.  What I think is happening is that rarely do I suggest an idea that in a vacuum will ever be sufficient.  What I mean is, most any suggestions I have will never be singular.  It seems that the depth of our sadness or anxiety or pain or whatever often keeps us from "getting" what is offered, unable to accept the responsibility of taking several suggestions.  Summarizing: rarely is one idea sufficient to change anything in the therapeutic process.

The second thing that prompts me to mull this over is the "active" therapists versus the "passive" therapists.  In my view there is room (and each therapist I think, ought use) both styles, often with the same client.  There are times that we should be directive, and not just in terms of extreme examples like when a client is being abused.  Discouraging self-medicating, engaging a support group, ruling out medical concerns with a physician, ways to stop a behavior etc are all examples where there is little controversy over giving someone "direction" about an issue.

People come to us for answers.  We are paid to have a toolset, methods, principles of operating that in many cases should help diminish depression, stress, relationship conflicts, behavioral concerns and the like.  On the subject of not holding these ideas close to one's chest: there is a great (and occasionally controversial) martial arts instructor who critiques traditional means of training, idealizing the "teacher" and etc.  He also critiques traditional martial arts training as being "cultish"- keeping secrets, claiming answers from some (out of touch and unknowable) "higher source".  His "instructors" are all referred to as "coaches" or by their first names, and their focus is very simple: performance improvement.  That last idea is part of what I'm getting at here- the "answers" we give as therapists should improve "performance", which I would argue is diminished if we are too passive.  It is very significant of course, that what is being improved, is clearly defined.  If we think something might be helpful though- there are certainly compelling reasons we should disclose it.

When it comes to performance, we should be helping people get more in touch with their emotional condition, have those feelings gracefully, diminish (but not eliminate) the intensity of negative emotions.  Our interventions should help decrease or stop unwanted behaviors.  The direction we give should help increase intimacy.  Of course this is not an exhaustive list, it may take a long time for these things to happen, and some cannot happen without the others.

My experience has been that many (arguably most) of my clients have come into my office, suffering enough, and out of enough answers, that they are willing to do most things we come up with together.  Had they been in possession of this material on their own to begin with, there would be no (or little) need for my education and experience with the issues they struggle with.

My effort is to put me out of a job and it does people a disservice I think, to have an insight that I wait for them to come to on their own... which they've already arguably been trying to do.  Sometimes I ask my clients if they have spent a great deal of time in their lives, saying something like this to themselves: "I just wish someone would tell me what to do about this."  There are many things, that most (not necessarily all) people can do, directly, to diminish feelings of low self worth, sadness, struggles in relationships and most of the problems they come to a therapist.  If I didn't go to school to learn to help people know and do these things, then what exactly did I go for?

What We Don't Get Taught

Have been lucky enough to do some clinical supervision with Judy McGehee.  As I've mentioned before, she and some interns have been providing free services to their community for some time now.  Some concerns I've had with other venues of supervision have come up the last couple of times we've met. 

Clinical supervision, like therapy, is different things to different people.  Many times it's the opportunity to "present cases", problem-solve clinical, legal, ethical issues and etc.  It's also a place for us to have the opportunity to discuss or work out struggles we have as therapists- something that certainly should go on for our entire careers.

One of the things I like to do in supervision is talk about the issues that are not necessarily explicitly processed when we go to school.  There's lots of these sorts of concerns...  how to deal with our own feelings as therapists.  Issues of responsibility- where ours are vs. where the clients' responsibilities are, how much is "enough", concerns when we're sometimes working harder than the client is (or not).  Handling boundaries about parents endeavoring to influence issues discussed (or simply perspectives about them), concerns that arise in couples therapy or family therapy like one person in the "group" disclosing something that affects the others outside of the "group" proper.  How to handle when a client isn't being honest about a problem or circumstance or behavior.  Determining how to handle "terminations"- planned discharges, "therapeutic discharges", discharges against medical advice... sometimes when a child is "pulled" from treatment by a parent against the better judgment and suggestion of the therapist.  Speaking of, there is little discussion about how to handle referrals to other types of resources or therapists.  Specific methods to avoid (or deal with) "burnout".  Very "nuts and bolts" concerns like documentation, treatment planning, dealing with insurance companies and such.  Fee setting.  What to do if a therapist runs into a client outside of the office or other milieu.  How to handle when a client is "stonewalling". Handling clients that are self-medicating.  My personal favorite is specific goals and underlying philosophy of our methods as therapists.  There are many, many more.

It is of course really important to do case conference, have both group and individual forums for processing what is happening with specific clients or groups and the like.  I find it of great import too however, to discuss the above issues.  It is one thing to discuss a specific case, but I think it another to discuss what it is about that case that will come up (or has) repeatedly, in a principled manner.  Would argue too that discussing issues like responsibility, boundaries, terminations, referrals etc often lead to greater resolution with clients "in the room", as well as provide a way of generalizing our knowledge and methods, thus making it a more organized and effective way of treating folk.

Am not suggesting that these things never occur.  It has definitely been my experience however, that most of the above ideas are not discussed in depth, if at all.  Certainly concerns of symptom ID and management, differential diagnosis, theoretical orientation and etc are of great import, but it is uncomfortable and counterintuitive to run into a circumstance that occurs frequently or that is a fundamental part of operating in our discipline (treatment planning, for example) that is largely omitted from our education.

More than anything else, I think I'm advocating for more of a focus on our underlying philosophy for employing the methods that we do as therapists.  I'm not simply trying to help someone (or their parents) improve failing grades, or get someone in a relationship to be more sensitive or attentive, or even to diminish "depression".  What I hope to achieve in most (most) circumstances, is to:

1.  Insure safety and stability necessary to do "The Work".  (absence of suicidality, abstinence from drugs, ETOH, or a behavior, have medical concerns be ruled out by a physician, insure that necessary resources to do the work are in place, etc)

2.  Identify "issues"- the events (relationships, circumstances, etc) or other causes that prompt us to feel mad, sad, afraid, ashamed, and/or hurt and/or "behave" in ways we struggle with.

3.  Process those issues in a way that diminishes, transforms, and/or (almost) eliminates them and subsequently behaviors, choicemaking, or perspectives that might contribute to these issues in an ongoing way.

4.  Provide a "body of material" (patient education, referral sources, resources etc) that enables the client to be able to do these things without the therapist.

5.  Insure that the client has sufficient resources (support groups, family, friends, etc) that support the work and use of that material in an ongoing way.

These are an oversimplification, but I think they go beyond simply "resolving a problem", eliminating a behavior and etc.  Much of the inner workings of these ideas don't get processed as much as I'd hope while we're being educated about our discipline, but again, of course this philosophy likely exists in many of our "theoretical orientations".  In my sense of things, the presence of such a philosophy doesn't go far enough- we as individual therapists need to have a grasp of our own sense of these things to make them as effective as possible. 

Would say further that none of this is supported unless part of our own supervision is about dealing with our own experience both as a therapist, and a person outside of therapy.  My ability to problem-solve many of the issues "not discussed" above is diminished by not having the opportunity to explore these things as part of our own clinical supervision.  The largest of these things for me are the underlying treatment philosophy, and the effectiveness and grace that I deal with my own life- including my life as a therapist.

Wanting to Stop

Have had several people in the last week ask me specific questions about wanting to stop (sometimes called "abstaining" or "cessation") doing some "behavior". Drinking, smoking, gambling, over/undereating (or not at all), self-harm behaviors (cutting, burning oneself etc), "codependent" behaviors, controlling behaviors, manipulating, even saying or thinking certain things and more. While some of these require more intense interventions (stopping alcohol or drug use for instance would require medical intervention), some other behaviors can be stopped or minimized by other means.

Though we (therapists) are oft charged with the responsibility of helping clients stop these behaviors, we're not always direct about how to help someone do so. There are real-world, practical means of helping us stop these kinds of behaviors. It should be noted though: in many cases, these are caused by unresolved emotions. It's really important to note this, because no intervention we might suggest will work if there is a sufficient mental/emotional/"spiritual" and/or physical prompt to do so.  Or more simply and by way of example, if someone is suffering enough emotionally (or otherwise), no intervention will stop the behavior.  The feelings (even if physical) have to be transformed/diminished enough for the intervention to work.

These things in mind, here's some ideas. Some of them are direct, some of them will take hold over time:

1.  Pay attention to how we feel.

2.  Ask ourselves, "Am I mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed, and/or hurt right now?  What ‘possible reality’ does this indicate?"

3.  Putting off the behavior.  For example, "I’ll _________ (smoke, drink, gamble, eat, etc…) an hour/day/week/month from now." 

 

4.  Context.  This isn't just a principle.  It can be practical.  Asking, "What am I supposed to be, or supposed to be intending to do right here, right now?"

5.  Service.  Finding a way to be of help to another person.

6.  12 step program attendance/participation.

7.  Saying the "Serenity Prayer".  Even if not “prayerful” people, this can be a form of self-talk (the word “God” can also be removed).  For things we're "powerless" over, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things, I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." makes us mindful of principles and behaviors that can also help with abstinence.

8.  Speaking of praying (or doing self-talk)- praying for the obsession to have __________ (smoking, drinking, gambling, eating etc) be removed, helps.  "Please remove from me the obsession to stop _________."

9.  If that is hard, praying/self-talking for the willingness to stop __________.

10.  Calling someone.  This, to me, is one of the most powerful tools.  Having someone who knows what we are working on that we can call when considering the behavior to: pull our covers (so to speak), have them talk us out of it, and/or "be" with us as we struggle with the feelings of letting go of the behavior can be pretty powerful.

11.  A different item from the above- calling that someone as a pre-emptive strike.  Meaning, calling them when we might be in a situation this will come up, before we go do the thing we have to do.

12.  Make a list of the times these things (smoking, drinking, gambling, etc) occur most frequently.  Take that list, and either apply the things above (and below) to those circumstances if you HAVE to be there for these instances, and or use the list to avoid those times entirely.

13.  Write a list of the negative consequences of the acting out behavior.  

14.  Maybe most important, is simply identifying the issues (even by making a list, which we will also do in a formalized way) that have prompted us to operate this way, and have an organized means of getting through these (which therapists are charged with the responsibility of).

15.  Based on that list of things/people/circumstances that get us in trouble, have a list of replacement behaviors.  For example, I know I shouldn't be __________ (smoking, drinking, gambling, eating etc), so, I'm going to go to church/support group/call my friend/read this book/exercise/take a walk/write about it and more etc.

16.  Speaking of writing: when "tempted" to do the behavior, write about it.  That's pretty common information from most therapists.  However, I think it doesn't go far enough, unless you read this to your therapist and/or a loving friend and/or a sponsor (if one attends a 12-step program), priest, pastor, and etc.  Maybe more than one of these people.

17.  Putting a rubber band around our wrist, and giving it a gentle snap when considering doing the behavior.

18.  Making a "fund" for the behavior- putting a pre-determined amount of money in a jar when we do the behavior (or consider it maybe), and donating it to a charity or some related idea.

Again, I want to reiterate that no amount of ideas to "stop" a behavior (that we do in our heads or outside of them, so to speak) will be sufficient without working through the attendant (and/or consequential) emotions that come with them.  Those are really strong reasons pointing to the idea of having a therapist that can help use these kinds of tools (and more), and walk through the related issues.  It's important too that many types of concerns will require medical attention by a physician with experience with the specific problem.  Good luck with any of these efforts...

Post Script: It should be noted that the soul of such things is what Carl Jung would have called "illegitimate suffering"- meaning, we do these things as an alternative to simply feeling whatever we feel when we don't do the behavior.  One of the things we do these over is feeling "bad" (about ourselves), broken, less than, "not enough" and the other variations on that theme.  Often, if we do the behavior we're trying to stop, we feel those very things ("bad", broken, etc).  As we often do the behavior to diminish or eradicate feeling those things, then we feel those very things for doing the behavior.  Simplifying: I feel "broken", less-than, etc, I do a behavior to not feel that way, then feel "broken" (less-than, etc) for doing the behavior.  It sets up a vicious cycle, a repetitive cycle.  

Where I'm going with this is, if you happen to do the thing you've been trying to stop, "beating yourself up" for doing the behavior may be the very thing that prompts you to do it again.

Radio Interview

Next Thursday (May 6th) at 1130 AM, Judy McGehee MA, MFT (www.mcgeheepartners.org), Tom Aaselund MFT, and myself will be discussing... whatever comes up... about psychology, therapy and etc for what I think is half an hour.  It will be on the "Project Get Well America" show with Dr. Mark.  It's live streamed and podcasted.  The link for the show is here.  If there's any more details, will let you know.

Communication With Adolescents? Communication With Everybody.

Got to do a talk with the aforementioned Judy McGehee MA, LMFT (www.mcgeheepartners.org) tonight at the "Parent Summit" organized by the Glendora School District. There were breakout sessions with different professionals and agencies providing talks on different topics. Dr. Mary Suzuki (wife of Dr. Dan Suzuki) began the session with Captain Rob Castro of Glendora PD, who discussed a previous summit focusing on adolescents and use of pharmaceuticals (illicitly).

Judy and I did a talk entitled "How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen, How to Listen so Your Kids Will Talk". As we discussed in our PowerPoint presentation, it became pretty clear that this was a misnomer- not only because it has more to do with relationships with kids, and further, much of the skills we discussed were relevant for most relationships in general.

During her talk, Judy identified the importance of being interested in your kids, not letting technology like cell phones and iPods get in the way of communication, ideas about developmental stages, roadblocks to communication and more. The parents and professionals who attended asked her a lot of questions about different types of age-appropriate communication, problem-solving specific issues and etc.

My talk endeavored a practical approach that highlighted suggestions to put me out of a job (one of my personal goals), principled ideas for use in communication, and some adolescent/child specific tools. We also discussed problem-solving issues like when/when not to intervene between siblings, children (who were sometimes adults in the examples) "stonewalling", giving short and/or avoidant responses, even what might be described as resentful feelings prompting one or another to not talk all together. The details of these are of course beyond a blog.

That said though, will copy/paste some of the suggestions I had here. Any questions, ideas, encouragements etc are welcome. Again, would offer that many of these are useful in communicating with all types of people, in all different types of relationships. Here's the abbreviated list:

• Don't yell.
• Don’t be critical and/or judgmental.
• Don’t try to change others’ mind or behavior.
• Don’t interrupt.
• Don’t only have feelings of fear or anger, or not have feelings at all.
• Be graceful with the feelings you do have.
• Don’t interrogate. *only be a parent* (meaning, resist the temptation to be a police officer, financial adviser, career counselor, etc)
• Don’t interrupt.
• Don’t say one thing, then do another.
• If someone says something you don’t understand, ask them to explain it.
• If someone starts yelling, speak quietly.
• Avoid power struggles.
(Here is where some of the adolescent specific ideas began)
• It might be a good answer to them.
• Don’t be afraid of technology. Learn to text. Email.
• Ask their opinion.
• Tell them you love them, and what you like about them.
• Learn their language. You don’t have to use it. (www.urbandictionary.com)
• Use the “rule of five”, particularly in crisis. Five words a sentence, five letters a word.
• Find a way to be interested in them- what they think, what they like and care about, and why.

This is certainly not an exhaustive list. It also doesn't address some of the principles that might otherwise be employed, doesn't give some answers in context, and doesn't explain why some of these tools might be important. Those ideas, as a rule, have to be discussed, processed. They also don't address specifics about working through problems or issues. Most of these things are best done with a professional, over time. Hope some of these can be helpful.

Speaking of Service...

My friend and colleague Judy McGehee MA, LMFT (www.mcgeheepartners.org) along with Ted Aaselund LMFT have been providing clinical supervision (completing hours for graduation and/or eventual licensure) for a great group of interns and trainees at Judy's office in Glendora, California.  They have been providing sometimes up to 40 hours of services to local schools with these Masters level folk to students and families who might not get these services at all otherwise.

I have been truly humbled by the work of these people, and lucky to get to participate in part of the supervision.  We have been discussing the obvious concerns about professional standards, law and ethics concerns, types of interventions, philosophy, differential diagnosis, addiction, depression, abuse and etc.  What has been so remarkable though is the intensity of the losses and difficulties these students and families have had, but equally, the grace and commitment of the interns and Judy insuring that these folk get taken care of.

It appears now that eventually, on top of the individual services that are being provided to the educational institutions, students, and families, there may be an opportunity for a multi-family group therapy at low cost for these individuals.  This is such a great service, but sadly, there is no funding available for this to happen (space may be made available at a school).  Of course I can't discuss the details but, there have been some huge losses for these families that they are getting little support for treating from a public standpoint, the responsibility of both the service and the internship being largely on the shoulders of Judy and the interns, a little on Ted and I (as we didn't take this on from the beginning).  The families served aren't just getting low-level services- they are getting truly insightful, wise, professional services thanks to the good heartedness of the people involved.

Providing clinical supervision is such an important part of what I'm lucky enough to get to do.  It means much to me that I'm in a place where I'm not just empowered to help people, but that I am empowered to help people, who can further be of service to others.  What I do, I hope, matters a great deal, and the opportunity to share some of that with other people who might further use some of that to help yet other people is amazing.

Love and Service.

Thanks for dropping by my blog page.  As the introduction notes, I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Psychiatric Technician, and Masters level Addictions Counselor in Pasadena, California.  Though I’ve been doing some private practice for many years in addition to the twenty-six I’ve been doing inpatient work, I’ve now gone out on my own, to do just private practice.

            Providing treatment is my life’s work.  Having not just survived, but also (somewhat) gracefully dealt with some suffering of my own, I have been given not just some answers- but with those answers, also responsibility to others.  Holding on to those responsibilities is not only bad for other people, it would be unhealthy for me too.  So, very early, I started being of service.

            Having worked inpatient for so many years, I’ve been lucky (and saddened) to take care of most every type of human suffering possible.  Most of my work has been with adults and adolescents.  Depression, loss, grief, addiction, trauma, abuse, stress, mental illness (for lack of a more graceful term), relationships, desires (and need) for personal growth or “life coaching”, chronic pain, medical illnesses, family problems, couples problems and more have all been tragically present and have arguably increased over the years I’ve provided service.  There is much work to be done about all of these things and more.  It seems now that the most effective way to care for these problems is for me to see individuals, families, and couples privately.

            It was suggested by someone I consider wise that I find a way to make myself available to people when they are not able to be around me.  Aside from writing a book, providing materials from talks I do in the community, I am starting a blog.  There is much work to be done, and many answers are possible that can improve the quality of all our lives, if we’re willing to live by some principles and do some work.  My hope is that I can take you along with me as I do so, by way of communicating here.

            And so to it.